3 Years since my last post! & The tyranny of the “By-Now” Game…

procrastination

A sense of shame washes over me as I conclude that I have wasted another 3 years of my life. My mind thinks that by now if I only had the dedication, will-power, strength, and a host of other virtues that I clearly am missing, then my blog would be successful by now. If it weren’t for my pathetic laziness, my fear solidified by over-valuing comfort, this blog would have hundreds of entries, by now.  And thousands of followers! By now, I would have reached my ideal weight, the before and after pictures would be posted, and I would be working on my book deal and soon to make appearances on a national TV show! But neigh, here I am, on the morning of my 34th birthday having only lost 30 pounds in 3 years, with a blog that has only one entry from the date it was created.

What happened? Or to put it more succinctly, what DID NOT happen?

Clearly there was a lot that has not happened. What did not happen is reaching a point in my life where I was forced to make a decision, that coincided with my true values. I thought I had made decisions before, dozens of them in the past three years. There was the time I decided to become a member of a food addiction 12 step group, or decided to go on the metabolic typing diet, there also was a quick run in becoming a born-again Christian, becoming a EDM DJ, and promising myself for the last time that I would work out at least 4 times a week- with home videos- or at the gym- or in the pool- or home videos…

Yet all I was really doing was spinning my wheels, fumbling through choices.

I realize that motives count. All of my motivations rested on the foundations of fear. Fear and hatred. Fear of failure, and hatred of myself. This is not a winning combination.

What has changed? I have. By letting go of the “By-Now’s” I can finally focus on what is most important. HERE and NOW. You know, what all the New-Ager’s call the “Present Moment.”

One of my incantations for my morning Hour of Power walks is: “At last, at last, the past is the past. I’ve broken free and won. Now its time to love myself and really have some fun.” I must continue to condition myself out of the ugly past and into the now and the beyond of a bright future.

So the Shrinking Black Girl is back! And this time there will be no By-Now’s, only NOW.

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2 thoughts on “3 Years since my last post! & The tyranny of the “By-Now” Game…

  1. Life happens and you shouldn’t feel shamed when you realize that life pushed you in its river of unending twists and turns.

    Thank you for following my blog by the way. I think we’re going through the same things and I’ll be more than happy to follow yours. I’ve done the exact same thing when I first started blogging about my weight. I kept making posts that basically was just allowing me to procrastinate and then I wouldn’t follow through with my plans. So I ended up just giving up. The problem I had was motivation and I really didn’t commit.

    This time it’s different. I’m committed to making this ‘lifestyle change’ (not saying a diet because I don’t plan to eat the way I did in the past) and I’ve become active. It’s a good start. Lets do it together! Keep motivated 🙂 and if things dont go as well as planned, don’t fret or let it bring you down. Just stand back up and do what you can. (I’m telling this to myself too haha!)

    I’ve got to admit that I don’t really like the title, only because I feel like race isn’t important. I grew up in detroit and I knew girls of all ethnicities that basically felt the same when it came to weight. Some would flaunt in public that they didn’t care about weight, but when we were alone I would see that they felt the same way as me. But the title is just my own opinion. The picture in the title definitely made me feel embarrassed (because that’s how I look and feel with clothes off) and shameful. It was a good choice 🙂 I’ve seen weight blog sites that have desserts floating around the page and it definitely doesn’t make me want to LOSE weight haha!

    Good luck and welcome back!

    • Hi Jla,
      Thanks for your comment. Yes, the sites with the pics of sweets irk me. And I actually put that pic as my headline on purpose because I want to shock people. I am so sick of all the so called “fat positivity” crap — people try and be politically correct, and to me it BS. You are right, race isn’t an issue when it comes to how fat girls feel about themselves, but like I tried to point out in my debut post: “Black girls like being fat”- I want to challenge the cultural myth that black women like being obese- you and I know it ain’t so, but you would be surprised at how many would disagree with us.

      So yes, lets keep in touch via these blogs, when I connect more personally with blog followers it gives me the motivation to keep up the blogging, which is why I created it in the first place.

      As far as I how I found my motivation, it really is an issue of pain. The pain of being overweight has become so unbearable that I had two options: Death or lose it. There is a demon in my mind with a spike-studded whip that threatens to lash me when I become complacent. I am no longer motivated by the weak juice of self-hate, I truly just want to be happy and have accepted that I must work for it. Where I got the idea that happiness is not something that requires blood sweat and tears? Well, i think I may have to do a post on that one of these days!

      Keep up the good work!

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