Image
2

267 pounds! Weigh In #1

267 pounds! Weigh In #1

What would a weight loss journey blog be if there were no weigh-ins or pictures?

Today we begin with the tracking of my weight. Next will come the pictures(*gasp*). 3 years ago when I started this blog, my weight was 302 pounds. Today I weigh in at 267 pounds. Great, I have lost roughly 10 pounds a year. At that rate it would take 12 years to reach my goal!

And what is my goal? Target weight: 150 pounds. And not in 12 years, but 18 months. That’s giving myself 6.5 pounds a month or about a pound and a half a week. Totally doable.

I must lose 117 pounds. For a total weigh loss of: 152 pounds! No surgery. No pills. No bullshit. OK maybe a little BS, but only if it fits in with my lifestyle change. I am going hard-core. By eating for optimum health and exercising to maximize the potential of this body I have (really I mean what’s left of it), I will succeed.

What makes this attempt different from the dozens of failed ones in the past?

The pain of not taking action has finally superseded the perceived pain of taking action. To put it another way, the pain of realizing that I have wasted another year of my life at 34, wearing flat shoes with special cushioning and barely comfortable in missionary position has become more painful than the thought: “.. I have to give up Mexican food, marijuana, wheat, sugar in all its forms, dairy, grains and then exercise till I am a sweating sore mess everyday..” (Perhaps you can empathize as to why it took so long to finally reach a decision, I mean really pot-smoking vs. running on a treadmill?) 

I got “sick and tired of being sick and tired” to use the threadbare but true cliché. The pain of the consequences of being an obese woman finally became overwhelming. I had two choices, literally. I could commit suicide or I could throw myself wholeheartedly into getting what I want. I chose what’s behind door #2, thank you.

What is my motivation? What do I want?

I want:

  • To be attractive to the opposite sex ( and you know being married doesn’t make that desire go away if you are honest)
  • To FEEL attractive and desirable
  • To FEEL feminine and dainty
  • To FEEL self-respect and pride in myself
  • To be able to wear high heel shoes for the first time in my life
  • To be able to shop for cute clothing at reasonable prices in ANY store
  • To be able to have sex in what I now call “skinny girl positions”
  • To FEEL comfortable in a bathing suit in public
  • To be rid of the sense of shame and hatred of my body
  • To be able to dance at my EDM parties, clubs and all-night house music fests without having to take break every 5 minutes, while spending the rest of my weekend in an epsom salt bath
  • To be able to walk up stairs without feeling like I am about to have a heart attack
  • To no longer rely on baby powder on my inner thighs, between my back rolls and under my belly flap to stop the painful chafing and sweat irritation
  • To be able to wear something made out of a single piece of material secured by nothing but string, tie it on and walk out of the house NOT looking like a walrus tangled in a ball of yarn
  • For the last few years that I can pull it off, before I turn 40 I want to know what it feels like to be HOT
  • To have the sense of being in control of my life and destiny— Not not feel like I am a victim of my circumstances

My motivation is to reclaim my sense of womanhood, of the femininity that has been denied me all my life. For me, my weight grossly distorted what being female was to me. I have always felt that I wasn’t really either sex. I wasn’t feminine enough to be considered a real woman, but not masculine enough to be a man. I just floated though my life in a kind of gender no-mans-land, patching together what I could, but ending up where many obese black girls do: As an extroverted, care-taking, “strong”, motherly, matronly, jolly and most importantly NON-SEXUAL MAMMY. I will write a separate post where I’ll delve deeper into my Mammy obsession, but for now, just know that I was one of them.

So that is how I spent my life. A fat chick on the sidelines of life, looking in on the party but not being able to sufficiently muster up enough of that magic internal power to take charge of her life. Steeped in anger, self-pity, resentment, fear, self-loathing and a sense that I was controlled by my outer circumstances, I took solace in the arms of the enemy. Food.

I have been carrying this baggage since I was 7 years old. Being a fat girl was not something I did, it’s WHO I WAS. I did not have a reference point of a time when I was skinny to use a way to motivate myself. When I finally get thin, it will the FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER BEEN THAT WAY. I believe that I am going to become another person. Or rather, release the screaming thin girl inside. Why has it taken so long? I cannot sufficiently answer that question. All I know is that I am glad I now have the momentum, and I am going to ride the wake of my personal power until I reach the shores of my goal. Once I accomplish this, I will have the certainty I need to move forward towards my true purpose in being alive, which is to serve humanity by working with young people.

In order to get respect you have to give it, and in order to give it, you must respect yourself.  I could never truly respect myself as an obese woman. I’ll tell you why. Because I my fat is not something inevitable. It is not irreversible. Fat is not like losing your legs in war, or an AIDS diagnosis. No matter how much of a victim of my fat I may have been, until I could find the way out of it, and take control of my health, there is no way I could have long-standing influence in anyones life. The only way I could respect myself as an obese woman, is if it was medically impossible for me to lose weight, because then I would not have to question my strength of character.

So my desire to be a thin woman is a combination of the superficial and the profound. My being human makes it so. I will never apologize for how I feel or my opinions, because this is my journey. I hope that I will inspire those who read what I share about myself, because I believe that I have a viewpoint that you won’t typically find in the weight loss realms of fat positivity and size-ism protestors.

I am not here to help any fat girl feel better about being fat. If you are about that, you are on the wrong blog honey- the whole “love myself as I am” bullshit I tried for nearly two decades and it never worked. I now see that all the effort I put in to trying to love myself while obese could have simply went to losing the damn weight.

But such is life and I am happy to finally be where I need to be on the way to where I am going. Next weigh-in, August 11th.

2

3 Years since my last post! & The tyranny of the “By-Now” Game…

procrastination

A sense of shame washes over me as I conclude that I have wasted another 3 years of my life. My mind thinks that by now if I only had the dedication, will-power, strength, and a host of other virtues that I clearly am missing, then my blog would be successful by now. If it weren’t for my pathetic laziness, my fear solidified by over-valuing comfort, this blog would have hundreds of entries, by now.  And thousands of followers! By now, I would have reached my ideal weight, the before and after pictures would be posted, and I would be working on my book deal and soon to make appearances on a national TV show! But neigh, here I am, on the morning of my 34th birthday having only lost 30 pounds in 3 years, with a blog that has only one entry from the date it was created.

What happened? Or to put it more succinctly, what DID NOT happen?

Clearly there was a lot that has not happened. What did not happen is reaching a point in my life where I was forced to make a decision, that coincided with my true values. I thought I had made decisions before, dozens of them in the past three years. There was the time I decided to become a member of a food addiction 12 step group, or decided to go on the metabolic typing diet, there also was a quick run in becoming a born-again Christian, becoming a EDM DJ, and promising myself for the last time that I would work out at least 4 times a week- with home videos- or at the gym- or in the pool- or home videos…

Yet all I was really doing was spinning my wheels, fumbling through choices.

I realize that motives count. All of my motivations rested on the foundations of fear. Fear and hatred. Fear of failure, and hatred of myself. This is not a winning combination.

What has changed? I have. By letting go of the “By-Now’s” I can finally focus on what is most important. HERE and NOW. You know, what all the New-Ager’s call the “Present Moment.”

One of my incantations for my morning Hour of Power walks is: “At last, at last, the past is the past. I’ve broken free and won. Now its time to love myself and really have some fun.” I must continue to condition myself out of the ugly past and into the now and the beyond of a bright future.

So the Shrinking Black Girl is back! And this time there will be no By-Now’s, only NOW.