A sense of shame washes over me as I conclude that I have wasted another 3 years of my life. My mind thinks that by now if I only had the dedication, will-power, strength, and a host of other virtues that I clearly am missing, then my blog would be successful by now. If it weren’t for my pathetic laziness, my fear solidified by over-valuing comfort, this blog would have hundreds of entries, by now. And thousands of followers! By now, I would have reached my ideal weight, the before and after pictures would be posted, and I would be working on my book deal and soon to make appearances on a national TV show! But neigh, here I am, on the morning of my 34th birthday having only lost 30 pounds in 3 years, with a blog that has only one entry from the date it was created.
What happened? Or to put it more succinctly, what DID NOT happen?
Clearly there was a lot that has not happened. What did not happen is reaching a point in my life where I was forced to make a decision, that coincided with my true values. I thought I had made decisions before, dozens of them in the past three years. There was the time I decided to become a member of a food addiction 12 step group, or decided to go on the metabolic typing diet, there also was a quick run in becoming a born-again Christian, becoming a EDM DJ, and promising myself for the last time that I would work out at least 4 times a week- with home videos- or at the gym- or in the pool- or home videos…
Yet all I was really doing was spinning my wheels, fumbling through choices.
I realize that motives count. All of my motivations rested on the foundations of fear. Fear and hatred. Fear of failure, and hatred of myself. This is not a winning combination.
What has changed? I have. By letting go of the “By-Now’s” I can finally focus on what is most important. HERE and NOW. You know, what all the New-Ager’s call the “Present Moment.”
One of my incantations for my morning Hour of Power walks is: “At last, at last, the past is the past. I’ve broken free and won. Now its time to love myself and really have some fun.” I must continue to condition myself out of the ugly past and into the now and the beyond of a bright future.
So the Shrinking Black Girl is back! And this time there will be no By-Now’s, only NOW.